I don’t know how I expected

to get your attention.


I smoked a cigar,

played the guitar,

left doors ajar.


You left out the door,

heard no music,

felt no fire

like your own fury.


One did not ask.

It wasn’t polite.


These unasked for expectations make up huge portions of our lives. We bargain with our parents–IF I play the guitar, leave the doors ajar, THEN they will….love me in whatever way I need most to be loved.  And then silently, without asking, we carry those same bargains into our primary relationships. Repeating the same exact dramas with the expectation that this time, this time it will be different.  If it could be, then we think we will have healed the old wound.  But all we are doing is repeating the exact same scenario.  We cannot expect a person who doesn’t know how to love, to magically come to love us.  No matter if we dance on the head of a pin, this is a person without the capacity to love like we need to be loved.  They cannot heal our childhood wounds, they can only convince us more that we are not loveable.

But this thing is really not about whether or not we are loveable.  It’s about whether or not we pick partners who can love.  Ask and you shall receive.  Ask yourself to find someone who knows how to love you. Don’t settle for anything less–and you will find someone who knows how to love you.  I did.

© Andrea Mathews, 2014.

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